It’s possible to enjoy your kinks in a way which not only makes you a gentleman, but makes you more desirable to women.

Everyone has their own kinks, fetishes, fantasies, and desires. The degree in which you push these is the main thing which separates the freaks from the vanilla. The first step in all of this is to accept the kinks you have and begin to be honest and mature about them. If you are unable to have an open discussion about your fetishes, it’s almost certain you are not capable of exploring them safely.

I use the terms kink and fetish often in this article, and figure I should take a second to explain the subtle difference in the terms. A fetish is an abnormal desire (and that doesn’t have to be sexual). Fetish is always specific, while kink is general. Your kink encompasses all of your fetishes, but not the other way around. At the same time, a single fetish can be referred to as a kink.

While kink can come in any form or function, the vast majority of all kinks will either be something you do to someone else, or something someone else does to you. Almost all of these scenarios involve a form of power play: someone is in control of the scene, making choices, and ensuring results.

This article is about being a Dom. A Dominant, also known as a Top, is always in control. Make no mistake, being a Dom is a lot of work and responsibility.

Why would any woman want to submit?

When examined on their own, a lot of the specific elements of kink are wrong, offensive, degrading, and/or humiliating. It’s common for people to question the motives and reasons behind doing these things, and these challenges should be encouraged. If you can’t explain why what you are doing is right, and rooted in respect, then you have no business doing these things in the first place.

Submission by choice.

The concept behind a power-exchange relationship is based in respect and the earnest desire to be a positive, healthy, mate. Pain, degradation, and humiliation are all tools used for emotional manipulation. When and how you use these tools depends on the reaction and result you intend from your sub.

A true Dom will degrade a sub, because he respects them. A Dom sadist will hurt a sub, because he loves them. At no point is it about anger, hate, or disgust.

By taking control, you are taking responsibility for the quality of the sex you are having. It is entirely on you for her to have a good time. If you are good at what you do, taking on this burden frees her up to do nothing more than experience and enjoy. She can entirely shut off her brain, and submit.

The truth of submission is in her submitting to herself, letting her need for control go and becoming entirely free. This amount of trust is not something to take lightly, if it scares you you should consider doing kinky things with your partner, but not going as far as to think of yourself as a Dom.

The power paradox

The fundamental concept around a Dominant & submissive relationship (D/s) is that the dominant is in control. They make the choices, they give the orders, and they deliver the punishments when appropriate.

The paradox is that even in the most extreme D/s relationships, the sub has the ultimate power. It is always up to her what is unacceptable, she always has the final say as to what you can or cannot do with or to her. The only choice a sub has to make in a full power exchange relationship is continuing to choose to give away her control and power. Make no mistake, no matter what the dynamics of your relationship this ultimate control must always be willfully given.

Mistakes are unacceptable

As a Dom it is your job to be confidently in control of the situation at all times. You need to adopt the ideology that mistakes are unacceptable. This seems a contradiction, as no one ever intends to make a mistake, but somethings should not be done in practise until you are confident you can accomplish them with skill and precision. For example, you do not learn how to land an airplane through trial and error.

A collar is a symbol, much like a ring.

The job of a good Dom is to be pushing the limits and boundaries of his sub, without ever going too far and breaking them. You want to push them as hard as you can, with them yearning to come back and see you again when you are finished. If they don’t want to come back, you did not do your job well.

Just about every aspect of D/s and kink is dangerous, either physically or mentally. Just because you see something hot in a video doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to pull it out in the middle of a scene. The best way to ensure you don’t make any mistakes is to have an honest and open line of communication with your sub, long before playtime ever starts.

Honesty is not optional

When I say honesty, I don’t mean you don’t tell any big lies, I mean brutal, stark, brazen honesty.

1. You need to be honest with yourself: You need to know who you are, what you want, what you need, and what you don’t.
2. You need to be honest with your sub: You need to accurately relay what you want and need from them, and what you are capable of giving to them in return. It is never okay to tell them what you think they want to hear, you need to tell them only the truth, no matter how difficult is may be.
3. You need to ensure your sub is honest with you: It’s not enough to hear your sub tell you something, and then go on your merry way. You need to be sure what they are telling you is the truth. Breaking a sub’s limits by doing only what they said they wanted will leave them as hurt and broken as if you did what they said they didn’t. It’s up to you to ensure you are working with accurate information.

I am not trying to say that a sub will lie to you, sure some may, but more often than not the sub will simply be ignorant of their own limits, needs, and desires. This isn’t an insult, it’s often impossible to know how you will react to a situation until you are in it. It’s not their fault, but it is always up to you to get it correct, regardless of what they might believe or have said.

When something does go wrong, it’s on you to handle it like a man. It’s your job to make sure they are calm, safe and healthy and to discuss what just happened. You need to accept and own up to any of your own faults, and you need to provide boundless support and compassion. You should not expect to continue having fun that night, or possibly longer, depending on what she needs. This is your penance for the mistake, and you are never allowed to forget what is most important in all of this:

Everything is about her

Have no illusions: a Dom man should always be a gentleman first. While it is you making all choices and holding all control, you need to understand that everything you do is for and about her. Every choice you make needs to be the best choice for her, often this requires you to be selfless, if you can’t handle that this dynamic is not for you.

For a sub to give away all control and power, they need to trust you and your choices implicitly. To gain this level of trust you need to prove, with every choice you make, that she will be rewarded for putting her trust in you. Everything you do should be done for a reason, and that reason should always be positive for your pet.

Have pride and show no regrets

At the onset of this article I claimed that your kinks can make you more attractive to women. The key in this is you first have to be a good man, and good at what you do. If you are a Dom you need to be confident you are a good Dom, you need to be proud of who you are and what you can do.

Embrace who you are, and have more fun.

If this is true, you are capable of showing pride and confidence in your ability as a Dom, and through that gain inherit respect as a man and a lover. You should never hide from your perversions, you should always be proud. This doesn’t mean you should advertise it, but when the topic comes up, or the moment is correct to bring it up, you have the ability to ooze confidence along with intrigue and appeal.

Most men are too afraid to talk about sex, at all. By you saying, earnestly, “I am sexually dominant” you have created a line of conversation too appealing to ignore. By having the ability to answer any of her questions (when in doubt, be honest) you will become irresistible to a woman who shares your kinks.

If a woman can describe you as intriguing, exciting, and confident, you are doing very well. Obviously your kink will deter some women, but this shouldn’t bother you. Any woman who is turned off by your honest self is clearly not a fit for you. Be polite, do not attack or offend, and move on.

Final Random Toy Tips

If you start to take your kink seriously, you are going to end up with an assortment of toys, tools, and props. Treat this with respect, and follow these tips:

• Know how to use your toys properly, their limits, and all applicable safety measures.
• Clean all toys before and after every use.
• Keep toys organised and stored properly, like a mechanic’s tools. They are not all thrown into a pile somewhere.
• Keep all locks locked (including handcuffs) at all times. This way you will always be sure you have the keys before using the item.
• Don’t hide your toys away. If you are proud of what you do, you will have no reason to hide your tools. At the same time you don’t see a mechanic storing his wrenches on the mantle. Have pride, but don’t flaunt.

A final note: if you are doing anything kinky or even remotely dangerous, be sure to have a safeword. The majority of the kink community uses Yellow (for slow down, ease off) and Red (for stop right now, this is bad).

I offer one on one private BDSM relationship coaching for men just like you. If you want to take the quickest and easiest route to becoming a confident, competent, Dom head to my BDSM coaching site and drop me a line.

Want more?

Read – How to be a Dom: Orders and Rules

The post An Introduction to BDSM: How to be a Dom appeared first on How to Be a Dom - BDSM coaching.

Fifty Shades of Grey is out there in movie form, it’s about to be absorbed by millions, and absorbed once again by many millions more. But what does this mean to you?

There are countless articles around about 50 Shades, which is why I have refrained from writing about it. But this evening I was thinking about what the story means to us Dom men of the world, and that is something worth writing about.

Before I get into this, let’s go over everything you need to know about the book.

Everything a man needs to know about 50 Shades of Grey

The book itself started as Twilight (yeah, that glittery vampire crap) fan fiction, before finding its way into a best-selling novel. As you can imagine, the book is terrible from a literary standpoint. But at the same time it’s immensely enjoyable to a large portion of the world.

You may debate if this means it’s a ‘good book’ or a ‘bad book’ all you like, but in the end it doesn’t actually matter. What does matter is the fact that it exists, and has become part of the current culture’s conscience.

The story is about some rich asshole who takes some naive girl under his shadow as his contractual slave with a bunch of fantasy BDSM and an abusive relationship. That’s about it. The BDSM is often nonsensical and dangerous, the relationship is unhealthy and abusive.

And this is why we don’t take 50SG seriously.

It’s important to understand that this book in no ways represents a healthy or consensual BDSM relationship. That’s pretty much everything you need to know about the book.

What 50 Shades of Grey means to you

Fifty shades has put the concept of alternative lifestyles, and sex, into the mainstream. It’s no longer completely taboo to be kinky, in fact it can be openly talked about in many vanilla crowds these days. This means it’s easier for anyone to be honest about who you are, and how you choose to live. Especially those in an alternative lifestyle.
As a result many new people are moving into the kink world, and are looking to explore.

If you are part of the new crowd, then it’s your responsibility to learn everything you need to know to be a good, safe, and responsible Dom. Don’t pull a Ghomeshi and assume you just get to do whatever you want, as long as you tell them you’re kinky. If you’re brand new to this world, here’s the one main tip for you to remember: talk, in detail, about everything you would like to do with your partner, well before you intend on doing it. That’s sort of the definition of consent.

To learn what you need to know, head to blogs, pick up books, get on reddit, or even take some one-on-on BDSM coaching.

If you are already in this world, it means we are now at a time where being honest about who you are, and how you like to play, is an attraction. But you need to be careful with this. Everyone who is in the BDSM world came into it as a newbie. Everyone had to start from zero. But with BDSM being almost fashionable, there are a lot of women out there who believe they want to experience this world, when in reality they just want to take stand in the doorway and watch.

Seriously, you don’t want to end up like this guy.

For this reason you need to work twice as hard as you ever have communicating with any girls before you play, and you need to be very sure you are hearing the truth, no matter what the words she is saying. It’s not that a girl may be outright lying to you, the problem is she may not truly understand what it is she is saying, or asking for.

It is your job to introduce them to these things extremely slowly, and you need to constantly be checking in, and making sure she’s enjoying her situation. While this book, and movie, may be one of the best things to happen to single Dom men in a long time, it brings with it the need for caution.

Remember, as stupid as this is, the law is very clear: even with consent, almost any form of BDSM, especially anything which leaves marks, is considered assault. While I simply can not understand how it’s legal to give your consent to participate in a fighting sport, but not in your bedroom, that’s the way it is.

No matter what she says she wants, you want, or she thinks she wants, it’s on you to make sure she only gets what she needs.

So go ahead and enjoy having girls intrigued by your honesty: you are a dominant, kinky, man. Just beware the responsibility that comes with it.

P.S. Since a lot of you are going to be watching the Fifty Shades of Grey movie, I want to say that you shouldn’t model any of your techniques, or rope work, after what you see in this movie. That being said, the consultant they used for the BDSM and rigging on the film is an outstanding, capable, rigger and Dom, not to mention a really great guy. Please remember that the showrunners’ were concerned with making a movie that looked good to them, accuracy comes second.

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One of the most common topics dominant men want to talk to me about are the rules for their submissive, more specifically what rules to create, what rules to avoid, and how to enforce them.

The entire concept of the D/s dynamic is a relationship built around a ruleset. Some of these rules are inherent to the dynamic, while the others are enforced as a reaction to it. It’s crucial to understand the goal of these rules to avoid making mistakes along the way.

I am a proponent of honest dynamics. What I mean by this is I, personally, am only interested in truly honest reactions and interactions with a sub. To push a sub’s limits, you need to have enough information to know exactly where her limits lie, and how you can push on them in a positive, beneficial manner. The more information you have, the more able you will be to accomplish this, and the greatest source of information from your sub will always be interactions, honest to the core.

This mentality is in direct conflict with one of the most common rules enforced by Doms new and old: forcing your sub to always refer to you as Sir (Master, Lord… whatever). My honest interaction mentality is my absolute number one rule. This means I only want to be referred to as Sir, if she feels in that moment I deserve that respect. If she doesn’t feel that way, then I don’t deserve to hear it.

What rules to make as a Dom, and what rules to avoid

When choosing rules to enforce, you need to plan ahead. Creating a rule that you can’t actually enforce, or a rule that is impossible to follow, undermines your dominance.

For example, what about a rule where your sub is required to strip to her panties as soon as she enters your home? This is another common rule Doms will come up with, but what happens when she comes over with her mom? Or when you have some vanilla friends over?

If your sub has to try and decide if you would want her to break your own rule or not, the rule is a failure. Rules and orders shouldn’t leave any room for interpretation or guesswork.

For this reason I suggest you are very careful about creating any persistent rules. Before you do you want to carefully think through three things:

1. What are all the possible scenarios in which this rule may be obsolete or impossible to follow?
2. Would this rule be more effective if it was implemented on a per-scene basis?
3. Could this rule force dishonest interactions?

Like ties, rules shouldn’t get in the way.

Going back to our first example, of having them always address you as Sir, this rule has possible issues with both number 1 and number 3 on that list. Instead I make it clear to my subs that it pleases me greatly to be addressed with respect. If I am doing my job, deserving of their respect, instilling a genuine desire to please me, then I will always be addressed as I desire, regardless of any rules.

The only persistent rules I have with my sub are as follows:

• She is never allowed to remove her collar without permission.
• She is never allowed to enter my bed without permission.
• If she is put on her knees, or all fours, she isn’t allowed to rise, without permission.

That’s it. All other rules are given with a time constraint on them.

Note: I’m not mentioning any relationship rules we have, just the ones related to the BDSM side of our relationship. The details of how you run your relationship will be tied into the BDSM roles you take on, but they shouldn’t be confused as being the same. If you are interested in the rules and concepts used for managing a poly relationship, let me know.

Rules for BDSM scenes

When it comes to rules for a scene, the only limit is your imagination. Since a scene is something you have nearly complete control over, you don’t have to be nearly as vigilant with the rules you put into play. As long as the rule won’t undermine your authority, make logical sense, and is created with a purpose, you’re good to go.

Common BDSM rules:

• Inforced eyeline: Your sub must look straight ahead, and only straight ahead, at all times.

I consider this rule to be a discipline/mental blindfold. Instead of her vision being passively entirely restricted, it’s partially restricted but requires great effort and control. If you push her hard enough, her eyeline will almost certainly break, forcing punishment.

• Speech restriction: Your sub is not allowed to speak unless spoken to.

This one is very common, and is used in the majority of BDSM scenes. Just be sure she’s clear this rule never usurps her need to speak a safeword, or to voice a legitimate concern. It might seem obvious, but you never want to put a sub into a position where she has to choose between her own safety and feeling she will be a disappointment.

A variation of speech restriction also used, sometimes in perpetuity, are banned words. While some Doms simply have words they dislike to hear, I tend to use this as a tool to correct a sub’s poor grammar. Specific common mistakes will be banned, speaking them will infur a punishment. For rules like this, the punishment should be known in advance, for example: Any time you say “anyways” you will get 11 strikes with the paddle.

• Procedure: Your sub must remember, and obey, a set of commands.

Procedure is an element of play I don’t use enough of myself. As the name implies, it has your sub follow set procedures based on input. The most simple example of this is using hand signals, and having your sub memorize a series of positions. Here are a couple pictures showing some examples:

  

Some Doms take procedural play to the extreme, with great success. If you are more of a task-minded person, or were in the military, this might be an angle for you to explore in detail.

• Vocal Queues: Your sub must respond, vocally, to specific actions.

The most common example of this is having your sub count strokes in impact play. It’s also common to have them thank you for specific actions. For example, any time I let you touch me, I expect you to thank me.

Any other rules you want to enforce are up to you. Just be very sure the rule will add to the scene, instead of hampering it. If you do feel a rule is causing friction in a scene, abolish it. It’s never wrong to make changes to things not working as you had intended.

With your hands on the table.

How to give orders to your sub

As a Dom, every choice you make should be made for a reason. If you’re just doing things without thought, simply because it seems hot, or it’s something you saw in a video, you’re setting yourself up mistakes, failure, or inconsistency. As we learned in grade four physics: every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Your job as a Dom is to focus on the reactions first. Every choice you make should be made in an effort to emotionally manipulate your sub in a desired direction.

When giving an order you should follow these guidelines:

• Every order should have an intended result.
• Every order should be perfectly clear, without any need for interpretation.
• Every order should be framed to fit the scene and the dynamic.
• Every order should be spoken clearly, with authority.

If you want to be a great Dom, your orders should never be two dimensional. Take this as an example:

I want you to strip for me.

That on its own seems like a perfectly fine order. It’s simple, and the intended result is having her rendered nude. Every Dom reading this has given this very order many times without thinking twice. But if you want to be the best Dom you can be, you need to go deeper than this.

Having her naked is a physical reaction. As I have mentioned countless times before, sex (and BDSM) is almost entirely mental. When you give an order (or make any choice) it should be with an intended emotional reaction in mind. Remember: your job is emotional manipulation. She can get naked on her own any time.

The more you push, and the deeper your sub sinks into a scene, the less lucid her thoughts will be. It’s possible to put her into a state where lucid thoughts are nearly impossible. On top of this, any order you give should leave absolutely zero room for interpretation.

The order “strip” seems basic, but it’s actually missing a lot of information. Instead this order should be framed differently:

I want you to stand up, stand facing me in front of the fireplace, and remove your shirt.

After having her remove all her clothing, the physical result is identical. But instead of her feeling no different, only now being naked, your series of most basic orders have removed any semblance of “free will” from the order, and has forced her into a position capable of making only a single choice: to obey or disobey.

It’s these little details which separate a man dabbling in kink, and a Dom transcending typical sexuality. Anyone can try to tell someone to do something they think is hot. To be a great Dom you should be giving orders with a purpose, and you should frame them in a way you will enjoy as well. While everything we do as Doms is focused towards the ultimate pleasure of our subs, you should always find a way to package what you do in a way you will enjoy to your core. It comes back to the wants versus needs. You give her what she needs, in the way you want it.

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To be a great Dom and have a strong, healthy, relationship it’s imperative to make honesty the focal point of every interaction you have.

The most common reason most relationships, vanilla and kink alike, fail is a lack of honesty. Just about every single movie or TV show with relationship drama could have been completely avoided if the couple had just been honest from outset. Unfortunately it seems the “only as honest as I need to be” mentality is seen as the standard.

If you want to be a great Dom, you need to make honesty your number one priority.

Honesty is Hard

Honesty is hard and sometimes terrifying. It’s always easier to choose not to tell a partner something you know will upset them. What they don’t know can’t hurt ‘em, right?

This choice runs the risk of turning a small issue into a large one. It risks you losing trust, and can end relationships. No matter how crafty you think you are, the truth has a way of coming out.

It takes bravery to be truly honest. It takes confidence. As a man, especially as a Dom, it is your job have the balls to step up.

For the Vanillas and the Freaks Alike

While honesty and communication is crucial for all relationships, it’s much easier to avoid it in the vanilla world. The risk seems smaller, and the possibility of getting away withholding seems greater. Despite this, if you’re in a vanilla relationship don’t think you’re exempt.

For those in the BDSM world, honesty and communication are absolutely crucial. It is impossible to play around with a D/s power dynamic, or explore any kink adequately without it. If you are not capable of telling someone you love, or desire, something they should hear, even though it may ruin your chances with them, then you are not qualified to call yourself a Dom.

Not relevant. Just sexy.

If you can’t push honesty to its absolute limits you have no place playing around in this world. You will never be great, and you will risk leaving a trail of wrecked, angry, broken subs in your wake.

Honesty is More than Words

It took me far longer to learn this lesson than I would like to admit. It doesn’t matter if you repeatedly tell a sub something, if your actions contradict your words. That is not honesty, it’s barely halfway there.

The most common time people in the BDSM world run into this issue is when it comes to being polyamorous. The man will tell a new crush explicitly that they are poly, and that they see other girls. Despite having reservations about this, most likely because she’s new to the dynamic, she agrees to give it a chance.

Despite having been honest in their words, the Dom will go on to see this girl exclusively, never talk about other girls, other dates, or anything of the sort. He has told her he is poly, but has acted entirely monogamously, not wanting to upset her, make her jealous, or whatever other fears he has.

Once the time comes when the Dom finally does go out with another girl, or brings it up, serious problems arise. The sub has issues with it, is jealous, is insecure. Despite having been “clear” when you met, the initial stages of the relationship were based on her not experiencing the poly dynamic at all. She made a choice to commit to you, based on the experience you gave her. Changing it entirely on her, on the grounds of “well I said it” isn’t an honest approach.

On the plus side, you will be shocked to find far more often than not the honest approach has the results you hoped for. Telling them what you think they want to hear is always a mistake, always.

Integrating Honesty with Dominance

Most good Doms will tell you they are very honest with their subs. And while I’m not saying they’re mistaken, I don’t believe most of them take it far enough. If your goal is just to be a good Dom, then you need to re-evaluate your choices in life. If you’re going to choose to commit to something your goal should be to be great. To be the best possible version of yourself you can possibly be.

In order to have a good scene, a Dom needs to be pushing the limits of their subs. This doesn’t mean they need to be doing anything extreme, or even doing anything they haven’t already done before. It’s about pushing her to the point of full emotional experience. Being put into a state where she is experiencing every moment fully, without her mind being splintered in many different directions.

Some call this subspace, some call it zen, some call it the zone.

In order to do this a Dom must be paying attention to the current emotional and physical state of their sub. You need to be reading her body language without hesitation or misunderstanding. To do this properly, you need to be able to fully trust the verbal and physical feedback you are getting is entirely accurate. If you’re not operating in a place of pure honesty, this is simply not possible.

Accomplishing this takes more than agreeing to be honest. You need to set the tone and dynamic of your relationship to be built on the idea of honest interactions.

To give you an idea of what I mean when I say many good Dom’s believe they are being honest, but aren’t taking it far enough:

A common rule Doms will give their sub is to always address them as Sir, Master, Daddy, or something of the like. This is a mistake.

But couldn’t she just move backwards?

Having a woman address you as Sir is a sign of respect. A sign of submission and of a power dynamic hierarchy. You should only ever want to hear this when you deserve their respect. If they do not feel in that moment you deserve to be placed above them, it would be a lie for them to say the words.

On top of this, you want to afford your sub the freedom to choose to break your rules. They will be punished as a result, but that is always their choice to make. But you need to know if they are breaking your rule out of rebellion, or out of lack of respect for your authority. This is one reason you should be very careful when making rules.

Use Honesty as a Weapon

Honesty doesn’t have to be all hard work. It’s the best weapon for any man, but especially those who aren’t extremely confident being vocal while in a scene. Many men are quiet during sex, or don’t know what to say, causing them to resort to repeating lines from the past, or sounding like an actor in some porno from the early 90’s.

Instead of stressing about what to say, just lean on honesty. When you have the notion to say something, but aren’t sure what, stop thinking and say the absolute most honest thing you can possibly think of in that moment.

Instead of saying “yeah baby, suck it”, you’ll have more effect blurting out your most honest thoughts “you look so unbelievably sexy right now on your knees. I can’t wait to watch you gag on my dick.”

You’re typically having to ignore these thoughts to try and think of something to say. Instead just say what’s on your mind “ohh my god I can’t believe you’re here in my bed. I have jerked off thinking about this moment for months.”

Honesty is hot. And when your words come from a place of honesty, they will be heard and accepted. No girl has ever been impressed by hearing a man tell her she looks hot. But she will find herself smiling about that guy who told her he had to come over to tell her she’s the prettiest thing he has seen all day.

One Last Pro Tip

In my article Words Matter, Speak with Purpose, I talked about the power of words, and the importance of choosing the best words for the situation. This may seem to be at odds with the honesty approach, but they actually join together beautifully.

A good Dom is always prepared. Part of this preparation can be planning wordings for future use. Here’s how it works:

1. You know of a scenario that will be happening to you in the near future.
2. You know from experience how you will likely be feeling in that moment.
3. You can plan a powerful grouping of words fitting that feeling you anticipate.
4. When the moment comes, and you feel as you had anticipated, you can deliver your planned wording with full honesty in the moment.

The catch is your planning will go entirely to waste if you don’t encounter the situation, or feel differently than you had anticipated when it comes. Don’t worry about it, just abandon the plan and default back to honesty instead.

If you make it a point to make your interactions with your subs, and potential new subs, you will see a marked improvement in the quality of your relationships and your skills as a Dom.

It’s scary, but it’s easier than you think, and it will benefit every single person, regardless of circumstance.

The post How to Be a Dom: The Honest Approach appeared first on How to Be a Dom - BDSM coaching.

Did your girl ask you to dominate her, but you fear you’re going to hurt her, or don’t know where to start?

This is, bar none, the most common reason men will seek out advice and coaching for BDSM. To one degree or another, the majority of women in the world are sexually submissive. The ones who crave to be dominated will at some point tell their man it’s what they want. They may say it in little hints, asking you to tie them up or choke them. They may come right out and say they want you to dominate them, force them to serve, and please you, as your sub.

Some men will tie up their girl, thinking that’s what they wanted, and maybe crank up the dirty talk. Other’s won’t even get that far. But just being tied to the bed is not what she needs or wants, she needs you to dominate her, emotionally and physically.

It’s a Lot Like Roleplay

If you’re anything like me, I’ve never really gotten too excited about the idea of roleplay. I have a hard time enjoying myself if I’m too busy pretending to be something else. But the principles of a Dominant/Submissive power dynamic are still based in the same ideals.

A good BDSM D/s scene is the beautiful contrast of reality and perception.

The reality: without any caveats, the reality of almost any D/s scene is the understanding that the submissive has the ultimate power and control. She gets to choose to give up her control to you, she has the power and ability to stop a scene if it’s not what she wants (this is where safe words come into play), and every choice you make as a Dom is made to be the best possible positive choice for her, your dynamic, and your relationship.

In other words, it’s a healthy relationship in which both of you are working together towards the same goal. It’s a relationship based on trust and respect.

The Perception: This is what I commonly refer to as the frame. The frame we build, the scene we set, is the exact opposite of the reality. This is where the overlap with roleplay begins. While you are acting as yourself, the frame you build is that of you holding utter, ultimate, control. It’s about using her as a toy to please you. The frame puts you above her in all aspects, physically and emotionally.

Obviously it’s only possible to achieve this level of power-exchange on a constant healthy level if both of these things are in balance. If you make the scenes and choices purely about you, your desires as a Dom, then you are walking a dangerous road to failure.

You’re Afraid of Hurting Her

Most men balk at the idea of hitting, slapping, choking, ragdolling their woman for fear of hurting them. If this is you, congratulate yourself. Causing pain, fear, anxiety, and distress to someone you love goes against everything you should hold dear. And this is the way it should always be, for the reality. It’s your job as a man, a Dom, and a partner to protect and encourage your woman.

She doesn’t want a nice man.

But when it comes to the frame, the rules of reality no longer apply. When a woman asks, or begs, you to hurt her, or choke her, or pull her hair, then the best choice you can make, for her, is to give her what she desires in that scene. The line you have to walk is giving her enough punishment to sate, without causing any serious, lasting harm.

Where this line is drawn will be different for every person, in every relationship. Many girls don’t want to be bruised or marked in any way. Some want nothing more than to feel sore for weeks to come. It’s up to you to make sure you are following the two rules of sadism in BDSM:

1. No matter what she thinks, or says, she wants, it’s your job to know when to say no. If a woman asks you to punch her in the face and leave her with a black eye (this is an extreme example), chances are she’s caught up in the moment, and giving in to this request would negatively affect her life (and possibly yours) in the days to follow. It’s never okay to cause lasting future harm for current gratification.
   It has to be about her, always.
2. The second rule is the only way to understand the line between kinky sex play, and domestic abuse. If you slap your woman because nothing you could do would turn her on more in the moment, then you are making a great choice. If you hit your woman because you’re upset, and are blowing off steam, that is abuse, pure and simple.

Despite being the Dom and being in control, you never get to give in to your own emotions, and act purely on your own desires. Playing with a sub is not about you, it’s about her. It’s about giving her what she needs, and having the strength to take it as far as you need, and no farther.

Humans Are Tough Animals

All men are capable of terrifying destructive power. All men are capable of killing another human with their bare hands. All men have the ability to take a scene too-far, and cause serious trauma. This is why all men fear hurting their subs.

What you need to understand is that the human body is incredibly resilient. With just a few pointers, it’s easy to avoid ever going too far hurting someone, without having to whimp out, and not give her the punishment she craves.

• Start low and slow, and ramp up. If you don’t know how aggressive you need to be, start low and slowly increase the intensity until you reach the desired level.
• Choose your spots carefully. The fleshy part of the ass can take an incredible amount of punishment, but skin over bone can not. You should never be hitting someone on the spine, the back of the head, the eyes. You should never be using a solid, hard, toy on ribs. The goal is to punish her, not to destroy her.
• It’s better, and safer, to increase duration rather than intensity. If you want to spank your woman until she cries, you don’t need to start swinging as hard as you can. Instead you can just find a good solid slap, and continue until the pain grows unbearable. The more you spank the same spot, the more it’s going to hurt. By the end you can be swinging softer than you were in the middle, but causing twice as much agony.
• You want to be smooth. When you’re pulling hair, you’re grabbing it near the base, and applying smooth constant pressure. Healthy hair can support the entire weight of a human body, but any jerking or twisting can have terrible results. Smooth and constant.
• Never use any toys on the face. Be careful with slapping the face as well, it’s very easy to miss, hitting cheekbones, jaws, or eyes. In addition a face-slap has far more of an emotional reaction than you may expect. Sometimes it will be negative, others positive.

Safe Words Will Set You Free

Finally, you want to embrace the glory of safe words. The standard safe words are ‘yellow’ and ‘red’.

Yellow: This means she’s reaching the end of her rope, no longer enjoying this particular sensation, and doesn’t want it to continue.

When you get a yellow, it’s your job to understand exactly why she safe-worded, and then move on with the scene. Always choose something contrasting to move to. If you’re beating on her ass and she says yellow, start giving her pleasure instead. Reward your subs for saying yellow, if they feel they need to say it, then it’s important you hear it.

Asses can take tremendous punishment.

Red: This is the vanilla equivalent of ‘No’ ‘Stop’ and ‘Don’t’. A scene ends on red, always.

Chances are, if you’re being a responsible Dom, you will never hear red spoken. But there are situations where it will happen, especially if your sub suffers from anxiety or panic attacks. If you get a red, the only thing left to do is have an honest discussion, and provide the amount of comfort she needs. You should never continue a scene after hearing red, and you should probably never consider starting again that same night. Take red very seriously.

If you use these safewords, you can relax knowing they’re your safety net. If your woman askes you to spank her, and once you start she starts to cry and say “no, it hurts, no more, stop” the reality says it’s time to stop, you’ve gone too far. But the frame is different, for many women this is the sexiest part, being forced to take it after it stops being fun, being spanked past the point of tears and sobs.

If you trust your sub, and are confident she knows and will use the safewords if she needs them, then her saying “no more, stop, it hurts” is part of the scene. If she actually needs you to stop, she will say yellow. This means what you are doing is correct, you’re hurting her as much as she needs to be hurt at this time.

As with anything in BDSM, everything you have read here is contingent on an extremely large amount of trust and communication with your partner. If she wants to use a safeword, but doesn’t out of fear, that’s a very big problem. If you don’t have complete trust between the two of you, you should not be pushing any limits in BDSM, in any way.

Don’t Forget About the Law

The final note is this: everything I have talked about in this article is illegal.

It doesn’t matter if she asks for it. It doesn’t matter if you fill out a contract, explicitly stating exactly what she wants from you. In North America physically attacking another human is illegal. There is no form of consent which can usurp a law.

Let me be perfectly clear: it is absolutely possible for a woman to ask you to beat her, enjoy every second of it, thank you when you are done, and then go to the police and charge you with criminal assault.

For this reason you need to be careful to never play with anyone you don’t fully trust.

The post Leave the Old You Behind: Become the Dominant Man She Needs appeared first on How to Be a Dom - BDSM coaching.

The basic concept of consent is simple, and most men think they understand it, but as a Dom chances are you may not be taking it far enough.

Somewhat shockingly, basic consent is still a topic which needs to be brought up, talked about, and taught. Go to any club in any part of America and you will find someone being touched in a way they didn’t invite or want.

The basic concept of consent is really dead-simple: before you do anything physical (or even intimately emotional) with another person, they need to understand your intentions fully, and agree it’s something they want from you at that time.

The Dating Kiss Paradox

The idea starts to get a little fuzzy in the dating world, especially the vanilla dating world. If you are on a great date with a girl who is sitting there waiting desperately for you to kiss her, chances are she doesn’t want you to ask her before you do.

This is about the only type of scenario where the ideas of consent blur slightly. It’s still never acceptable to attempt to do something unwanted to another person, but it’s rare times like this where it’s your job to get a reasonable expectation of that consent before attempting to act. In the pickup world this is talking about IOI’s, indicators of interest. And still, you don’t bulldog your way into forcing a kiss. Move in with clear intent, and wait for them to commit to the act. You move 3/4 of the way and wait for them to move the final 1/4.

Most men confident enough to consider themselves dominant understand this, and are adept at understanding the situations, acting appropriately. The problem comes when we move into the BDSM world.

Implied Consent

There is absolutely such a thing as implied consent. For example, many people in relationships feel no need to consider asking their partner for permission to touch or kiss them at their discretion. This comes from many discussions and interactions where this ongoing implied consent has been explicitly given.

The misunderstanding comes from assuming previous consent to be implied consent. Assuming the consent given yesterday is applicable today with a casual partner is a mistake, and can effectively cripple your ability to be a great dom.

The Thrill of Choosing

While the details of your kinks and relationships will all differ, the one constant across all Dominant/submissive relationships is the power-exchange. For the submissive the biggest thrill, and the most important moment of all is making the choice to give away her control, hand you the power over her.

If you want to be a great Dom, your primary focus should always be on giving your subs the absolute best experience you can give them, every single time they choose to kneel for you. A massive part of this experience is affording them the ability to make that choice, to choose to be yours.

This means you have to lose the ego, and presumption. It means you need to understand that, even though she had a great time playing with you last night, perhaps tonight she wants something different. You need to be confident enough to make her choose.

The BDSM world is full of paradoxes, this one being at the forefront. Asking the sub to choose to submit, rather than taking it at your discretion will actually improve your perception as a confident Dom. More importantly, it will give others a clear signal that you’re a good man who will make the well-being and respect for their sub a priority in your play.

If you want subs to choose to play with you, you need to present yourself as a man worthy of their trust.

The post For the Doms: The Importance of Consent in BDSM appeared first on How to Be a Dom - BDSM coaching.

Did your girl ask you to dominate her, but you fear you’re going to hurt her, or don’t know where to start?

This is, bar none, the most common reason men will seek out advice and coaching for BDSM. To one degree or another, the majority of women in the world are sexually submissive. The ones who crave to be dominated will at some point tell their man it’s what they want. They may say it in little hints, asking you to tie them up or choke them. They may come right out and say they want you to dominate them, force them to serve, and please you, as your sub.

Some men will tie up their girl, thinking that’s what they wanted, and maybe crank up the dirty talk. Other’s won’t even get that far. But just being tied to the bed is not what she needs or wants, she needs you to dominate her, emotionally and physically.

It’s a Lot Like Roleplay

If you’re anything like me, I’ve never really gotten too excited about the idea of roleplay. I have a hard time enjoying myself if I’m too busy pretending to be something else. But the principles of a Dominant/Submissive power dynamic are still based in the same ideals.

A good BDSM D/s scene is the beautiful contrast of reality and perception.

The reality: without any caveats, the reality of almost any D/s scene is the understanding that the submissive has the ultimate power and control. She gets to choose to give up her control to you, she has the power and ability to stop a scene if it’s not what she wants (this is where safe words come into play), and every choice you make as a Dom is made to be the best possible positive choice for her, your dynamic, and your relationship.

In other words, it’s a healthy relationship in which both of you are working together towards the same goal. It’s a relationship based on trust and respect.

The Perception: This is what I commonly refer to as the frame. The frame we build, the scene we set, is the exact opposite of the reality. This is where the overlap with roleplay begins. While you are acting as yourself, the frame you build is that of you holding utter, ultimate, control. It’s about using her as a toy to please you. The frame puts you above her in all aspects, physically and emotionally.

Obviously it’s only possible to achieve this level of power-exchange on a constant healthy level if both of these things are in balance. If you make the scenes and choices purely about you, your desires as a Dom, then you are walking a dangerous road to failure.

You’re Afraid of Hurting Her

Most men balk at the idea of hitting, slapping, choking, ragdolling their woman for fear of hurting them. If this is you, congratulate yourself. Causing pain, fear, anxiety, and distress to someone you love goes against everything you should hold dear. And this is the way it should always be, for the reality. It’s your job as a man, a Dom, and a partner to protect and encourage your woman.

She doesn’t want a nice man.

But when it comes to the frame, the rules of reality no longer apply. When a woman asks, or begs, you to hurt her, or choke her, or pull her hair, then the best choice you can make, for her, is to give her what she desires in that scene. The line you have to walk is giving her enough punishment to sate, without causing any serious, lasting harm.

Where this line is drawn will be different for every person, in every relationship. Many girls don’t want to be bruised or marked in any way. Some want nothing more than to feel sore for weeks to come. It’s up to you to make sure you are following the two rules of sadism in BDSM:

1. No matter what she thinks, or says, she wants, it’s your job to know when to say no. If a woman asks you to punch her in the face and leave her with a black eye (this is an extreme example), chances are she’s caught up in the moment, and giving in to this request would negatively affect her life (and possibly yours) in the days to follow. It’s never okay to cause lasting future harm for current gratification.
   It has to be about her, always.
2. The second rule is the only way to understand the line between kinky sex play, and domestic abuse. If you slap your woman because nothing you could do would turn her on more in the moment, then you are making a great choice. If you hit your woman because you’re upset, and are blowing off steam, that is abuse, pure and simple.

Despite being the Dom and being in control, you never get to give in to your own emotions, and act purely on your own desires. Playing with a sub is not about you, it’s about her. It’s about giving her what she needs, and having the strength to take it as far as you need, and no farther.

Humans Are Tough Animals

All men are capable of terrifying destructive power. All men are capable of killing another human with their bare hands. All men have the ability to take a scene too-far, and cause serious trauma. This is why all men fear hurting their subs.

What you need to understand is that the human body is incredibly resilient. With just a few pointers, it’s easy to avoid ever going too far hurting someone, without having to whimp out, and not give her the punishment she craves.

• Start low and slow, and ramp up. If you don’t know how aggressive you need to be, start low and slowly increase the intensity until you reach the desired level.
• Choose your spots carefully. The fleshy part of the ass can take an incredible amount of punishment, but skin over bone can not. You should never be hitting someone on the spine, the back of the head, the eyes. You should never be using a solid, hard, toy on ribs. The goal is to punish her, not to destroy her.
• It’s better, and safer, to increase duration rather than intensity. If you want to spank your woman until she cries, you don’t need to start swinging as hard as you can. Instead you can just find a good solid slap, and continue until the pain grows unbearable. The more you spank the same spot, the more it’s going to hurt. By the end you can be swinging softer than you were in the middle, but causing twice as much agony.
• You want to be smooth. When you’re pulling hair, you’re grabbing it near the base, and applying smooth constant pressure. Healthy hair can support the entire weight of a human body, but any jerking or twisting can have terrible results. Smooth and constant.
• Never use any toys on the face. Be careful with slapping the face as well, it’s very easy to miss, hitting cheekbones, jaws, or eyes. In addition a face-slap has far more of an emotional reaction than you may expect. Sometimes it will be negative, others positive.

Safe Words Will Set You Free

Finally, you want to embrace the glory of safe words. The standard safe words are ‘yellow’ and ‘red’.

Yellow: This means she’s reaching the end of her rope, no longer enjoying this particular sensation, and doesn’t want it to continue.

When you get a yellow, it’s your job to understand exactly why she safe-worded, and then move on with the scene. Always choose something contrasting to move to. If you’re beating on her ass and she says yellow, start giving her pleasure instead. Reward your subs for saying yellow, if they feel they need to say it, then it’s important you hear it.

Asses can take tremendous punishment.

Red: This is the vanilla equivalent of ‘No’ ‘Stop’ and ‘Don’t’. A scene ends on red, always.

Chances are, if you’re being a responsible Dom, you will never hear red spoken. But there are situations where it will happen, especially if your sub suffers from anxiety or panic attacks. If you get a red, the only thing left to do is have an honest discussion, and provide the amount of comfort she needs. You should never continue a scene after hearing red, and you should probably never consider starting again that same night. Take red very seriously.

If you use these safewords, you can relax knowing they’re your safety net. If your woman askes you to spank her, and once you start she starts to cry and say “no, it hurts, no more, stop” the reality says it’s time to stop, you’ve gone too far. But the frame is different, for many women this is the sexiest part, being forced to take it after it stops being fun, being spanked past the point of tears and sobs.

If you trust your sub, and are confident she knows and will use the safewords if she needs them, then her saying “no more, stop, it hurts” is part of the scene. If she actually needs you to stop, she will say yellow. This means what you are doing is correct, you’re hurting her as much as she needs to be hurt at this time.

As with anything in BDSM, everything you have read here is contingent on an extremely large amount of trust and communication with your partner. If she wants to use a safeword, but doesn’t out of fear, that’s a very big problem. If you don’t have complete trust between the two of you, you should not be pushing any limits in BDSM, in any way.

Don’t Forget About the Law

The final note is this: everything I have talked about in this article is illegal.

It doesn’t matter if she asks for it. It doesn’t matter if you fill out a contract, explicitly stating exactly what she wants from you. In North America physically attacking another human is illegal. There is no form of consent which can usurp a law.

Let me be perfectly clear: it is absolutely possible for a woman to ask you to beat her, enjoy every second of it, thank you when you are done, and then go to the police and charge you with criminal assault.

For this reason you need to be careful to never play with anyone you don’t fully trust.

The post Leave the Old You Behind: Become the Dominant Man She Needs appeared first on How to Be a Dom - BDSM coaching.

The basic concept of consent is simple, and most men think they understand it, but as a Dom chances are you may not be taking it far enough.

Somewhat shockingly, basic consent is still a topic which needs to be brought up, talked about, and taught. Go to any club in any part of America and you will find someone being touched in a way they didn’t invite or want.

The basic concept of consent is really dead-simple: before you do anything physical (or even intimately emotional) with another person, they need to understand your intentions fully, and agree it’s something they want from you at that time.

The Dating Kiss Paradox

The idea starts to get a little fuzzy in the dating world, especially the vanilla dating world. If you are on a great date with a girl who is sitting there waiting desperately for you to kiss her, chances are she doesn’t want you to ask her before you do.

This is about the only type of scenario where the ideas of consent blur slightly. It’s still never acceptable to attempt to do something unwanted to another person, but it’s rare times like this where it’s your job to get a reasonable expectation of that consent before attempting to act. In the pickup world this is talking about IOI’s, indicators of interest. And still, you don’t bulldog your way into forcing a kiss. Move in with clear intent, and wait for them to commit to the act. You move 3/4 of the way and wait for them to move the final 1/4.

Most men confident enough to consider themselves dominant understand this, and are adept at understanding the situations, acting appropriately. The problem comes when we move into the BDSM world.

Implied Consent

There is absolutely such a thing as implied consent. For example, many people in relationships feel no need to consider asking their partner for permission to touch or kiss them at their discretion. This comes from many discussions and interactions where this ongoing implied consent has been explicitly given.

The misunderstanding comes from assuming previous consent to be implied consent. Assuming the consent given yesterday is applicable today with a casual partner is a mistake, and can effectively cripple your ability to be a great dom.

The Thrill of Choosing

While the details of your kinks and relationships will all differ, the one constant across all Dominant/submissive relationships is the power-exchange. For the submissive the biggest thrill, and the most important moment of all is making the choice to give away her control, hand you the power over her.

If you want to be a great Dom, your primary focus should always be on giving your subs the absolute best experience you can give them, every single time they choose to kneel for you. A massive part of this experience is affording them the ability to make that choice, to choose to be yours.

This means you have to lose the ego, and presumption. It means you need to understand that, even though she had a great time playing with you last night, perhaps tonight she wants something different. You need to be confident enough to make her choose.

The BDSM world is full of paradoxes, this one being at the forefront. Asking the sub to choose to submit, rather than taking it at your discretion will actually improve your perception as a confident Dom. More importantly, it will give others a clear signal that you’re a good man who will make the well-being and respect for their sub a priority in your play.

If you want subs to choose to play with you, you need to present yourself as a man worthy of their trust.

The post For the Doms: The Importance of Consent in BDSM appeared first on How to Be a Dom - BDSM coaching.

Did your girl ask you to dominate her, but you fear you’re going to hurt her, or don’t know where to start?

This is, bar none, the most common reason men will seek out advice and coaching for BDSM. To one degree or another, the majority of women in the world are sexually submissive. The ones who crave to be dominated will at some point tell their man it’s what they want. They may say it in little hints, asking you to tie them up or choke them. They may come right out and say they want you to dominate them, force them to serve, and please you, as your sub.

Some men will tie up their girl, thinking that’s what they wanted, and maybe crank up the dirty talk. Other’s won’t even get that far. But just being tied to the bed is not what she needs or wants, she needs you to dominate her, emotionally and physically.

It’s a Lot Like Roleplay

If you’re anything like me, I’ve never really gotten too excited about the idea of roleplay. I have a hard time enjoying myself if I’m too busy pretending to be something else. But the principles of a Dominant/Submissive power dynamic are still based in the same ideals.

A good BDSM D/s scene is the beautiful contrast of reality and perception.

The reality: without any caveats, the reality of almost any D/s scene is the understanding that the submissive has the ultimate power and control. She gets to choose to give up her control to you, she has the power and ability to stop a scene if it’s not what she wants (this is where safe words come into play), and every choice you make as a Dom is made to be the best possible positive choice for her, your dynamic, and your relationship.

In other words, it’s a healthy relationship in which both of you are working together towards the same goal. It’s a relationship based on trust and respect.

The Perception: This is what I commonly refer to as the frame. The frame we build, the scene we set, is the exact opposite of the reality. This is where the overlap with roleplay begins. While you are acting as yourself, the frame you build is that of you holding utter, ultimate, control. It’s about using her as a toy to please you. The frame puts you above her in all aspects, physically and emotionally.

Obviously it’s only possible to achieve this level of power-exchange on a constant healthy level if both of these things are in balance. If you make the scenes and choices purely about you, your desires as a Dom, then you are walking a dangerous road to failure.

You’re Afraid of Hurting Her

Most men balk at the idea of hitting, slapping, choking, ragdolling their woman for fear of hurting them. If this is you, congratulate yourself. Causing pain, fear, anxiety, and distress to someone you love goes against everything you should hold dear. And this is the way it should always be, for the reality. It’s your job as a man, a Dom, and a partner to protect and encourage your woman.

She doesn’t want a nice man.

But when it comes to the frame, the rules of reality no longer apply. When a woman asks, or begs, you to hurt her, or choke her, or pull her hair, then the best choice you can make, for her, is to give her what she desires in that scene. The line you have to walk is giving her enough punishment to sate, without causing any serious, lasting harm.

Where this line is drawn will be different for every person, in every relationship. Many girls don’t want to be bruised or marked in any way. Some want nothing more than to feel sore for weeks to come. It’s up to you to make sure you are following the two rules of sadism in BDSM:

1. No matter what she thinks, or says, she wants, it’s your job to know when to say no. If a woman asks you to punch her in the face and leave her with a black eye (this is an extreme example), chances are she’s caught up in the moment, and giving in to this request would negatively affect her life (and possibly yours) in the days to follow. It’s never okay to cause lasting future harm for current gratification.
   It has to be about her, always.
2. The second rule is the only way to understand the line between kinky sex play, and domestic abuse. If you slap your woman because nothing you could do would turn her on more in the moment, then you are making a great choice. If you hit your woman because you’re upset, and are blowing off steam, that is abuse, pure and simple.

Despite being the Dom and being in control, you never get to give in to your own emotions, and act purely on your own desires. Playing with a sub is not about you, it’s about her. It’s about giving her what she needs, and having the strength to take it as far as you need, and no farther.

Humans Are Tough Animals

All men are capable of terrifying destructive power. All men are capable of killing another human with their bare hands. All men have the ability to take a scene too-far, and cause serious trauma. This is why all men fear hurting their subs.

What you need to understand is that the human body is incredibly resilient. With just a few pointers, it’s easy to avoid ever going too far hurting someone, without having to whimp out, and not give her the punishment she craves.

• Start low and slow, and ramp up. If you don’t know how aggressive you need to be, start low and slowly increase the intensity until you reach the desired level.
• Choose your spots carefully. The fleshy part of the ass can take an incredible amount of punishment, but skin over bone can not. You should never be hitting someone on the spine, the back of the head, the eyes. You should never be using a solid, hard, toy on ribs. The goal is to punish her, not to destroy her.
• It’s better, and safer, to increase duration rather than intensity. If you want to spank your woman until she cries, you don’t need to start swinging as hard as you can. Instead you can just find a good solid slap, and continue until the pain grows unbearable. The more you spank the same spot, the more it’s going to hurt. By the end you can be swinging softer than you were in the middle, but causing twice as much agony.
• You want to be smooth. When you’re pulling hair, you’re grabbing it near the base, and applying smooth constant pressure. Healthy hair can support the entire weight of a human body, but any jerking or twisting can have terrible results. Smooth and constant.
• Never use any toys on the face. Be careful with slapping the face as well, it’s very easy to miss, hitting cheekbones, jaws, or eyes. In addition a face-slap has far more of an emotional reaction than you may expect. Sometimes it will be negative, others positive.

Safe Words Will Set You Free

Finally, you want to embrace the glory of safe words. The standard safe words are ‘yellow’ and ‘red’.

Yellow: This means she’s reaching the end of her rope, no longer enjoying this particular sensation, and doesn’t want it to continue.

When you get a yellow, it’s your job to understand exactly why she safe-worded, and then move on with the scene. Always choose something contrasting to move to. If you’re beating on her ass and she says yellow, start giving her pleasure instead. Reward your subs for saying yellow, if they feel they need to say it, then it’s important you hear it.

Asses can take tremendous punishment.

Red: This is the vanilla equivalent of ‘No’ ‘Stop’ and ‘Don’t’. A scene ends on red, always.

Chances are, if you’re being a responsible Dom, you will never hear red spoken. But there are situations where it will happen, especially if your sub suffers from anxiety or panic attacks. If you get a red, the only thing left to do is have an honest discussion, and provide the amount of comfort she needs. You should never continue a scene after hearing red, and you should probably never consider starting again that same night. Take red very seriously.

If you use these safewords, you can relax knowing they’re your safety net. If your woman askes you to spank her, and once you start she starts to cry and say “no, it hurts, no more, stop” the reality says it’s time to stop, you’ve gone too far. But the frame is different, for many women this is the sexiest part, being forced to take it after it stops being fun, being spanked past the point of tears and sobs.

If you trust your sub, and are confident she knows and will use the safewords if she needs them, then her saying “no more, stop, it hurts” is part of the scene. If she actually needs you to stop, she will say yellow. This means what you are doing is correct, you’re hurting her as much as she needs to be hurt at this time.

As with anything in BDSM, everything you have read here is contingent on an extremely large amount of trust and communication with your partner. If she wants to use a safeword, but doesn’t out of fear, that’s a very big problem. If you don’t have complete trust between the two of you, you should not be pushing any limits in BDSM, in any way.

Don’t Forget About the Law

The final note is this: everything I have talked about in this article is illegal.

It doesn’t matter if she asks for it. It doesn’t matter if you fill out a contract, explicitly stating exactly what she wants from you. In North America physically attacking another human is illegal. There is no form of consent which can usurp a law.

Let me be perfectly clear: it is absolutely possible for a woman to ask you to beat her, enjoy every second of it, thank you when you are done, and then go to the police and charge you with criminal assault.

For this reason you need to be careful to never play with anyone you don’t fully trust.

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The basic concept of consent is simple, and most men think they understand it, but as a Dom chances are you may not be taking it far enough.

Somewhat shockingly, basic consent is still a topic which needs to be brought up, talked about, and taught. Go to any club in any part of America and you will find someone being touched in a way they didn’t invite or want.

The basic concept of consent is really dead-simple: before you do anything physical (or even intimately emotional) with another person, they need to understand your intentions fully, and agree it’s something they want from you at that time.

The Dating Kiss Paradox

The idea starts to get a little fuzzy in the dating world, especially the vanilla dating world. If you are on a great date with a girl who is sitting there waiting desperately for you to kiss her, chances are she doesn’t want you to ask her before you do.

This is about the only type of scenario where the ideas of consent blur slightly. It’s still never acceptable to attempt to do something unwanted to another person, but it’s rare times like this where it’s your job to get a reasonable expectation of that consent before attempting to act. In the pickup world this is talking about IOI’s, indicators of interest. And still, you don’t bulldog your way into forcing a kiss. Move in with clear intent, and wait for them to commit to the act. You move 3/4 of the way and wait for them to move the final 1/4.

Most men confident enough to consider themselves dominant understand this, and are adept at understanding the situations, acting appropriately. The problem comes when we move into the BDSM world.

Implied Consent

There is absolutely such a thing as implied consent. For example, many people in relationships feel no need to consider asking their partner for permission to touch or kiss them at their discretion. This comes from many discussions and interactions where this ongoing implied consent has been explicitly given.

The misunderstanding comes from assuming previous consent to be implied consent. Assuming the consent given yesterday is applicable today with a casual partner is a mistake, and can effectively cripple your ability to be a great dom.

The Thrill of Choosing

While the details of your kinks and relationships will all differ, the one constant across all Dominant/submissive relationships is the power-exchange. For the submissive the biggest thrill, and the most important moment of all is making the choice to give away her control, hand you the power over her.

If you want to be a great Dom, your primary focus should always be on giving your subs the absolute best experience you can give them, every single time they choose to kneel for you. A massive part of this experience is affording them the ability to make that choice, to choose to be yours.

This means you have to lose the ego, and presumption. It means you need to understand that, even though she had a great time playing with you last night, perhaps tonight she wants something different. You need to be confident enough to make her choose.

The BDSM world is full of paradoxes, this one being at the forefront. Asking the sub to choose to submit, rather than taking it at your discretion will actually improve your perception as a confident Dom. More importantly, it will give others a clear signal that you’re a good man who will make the well-being and respect for their sub a priority in your play.

If you want subs to choose to play with you, you need to present yourself as a man worthy of their trust.

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